Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Well, these past few weeks have been a bit of an emotional jumble really. 6 weeks ago I found that I'm pregnant, which is wonderful, and we're really excited about it. I'm about 10 weeks along right now, and am finally at the stage where I feel as though I can stop being scared about having another miscarriage and actually get excited without worrying! This past month has been one of the longest months ever, because I've been willing my body to get me to 12 weeks as soon as possible so that I can finally feel "safe", but also so that I can stop feeling gross. I always suspected I'd be one of those women who had to put up with "morning sickness" (Ugh! What an inappropriate name for it!), but as much as I thought I was prepared for it, I didn't think it would be like this! Yes, I'd heard that it doesn't always happen just in the morning, but I didn't think it was going to be an all-day-every-day thing! It's horrible! Also, as bad as I've been feeling, not once have I actually thrown up, which might make you think, "Ah, well, she doesn't have it too bad then", but in reality, I almost wish I could throw up, because that would at least bring a little bit of relief, however temporary. Instead, I am doomed to feeling ready to throw up almost every waking moment and never actually doing it. I hate all food, everything sounds and smells repulsive, but if I don't eat then I feel even worse, so I have to force myself to eat. And I have to do it so much! How can such a small thing demand so much food?? So of course, I am already putting on a good deal of weight, although I just look a little chubbier and not pregnant at all!Now, that first paragraph makes it sound as though I'm really excited about this pregnancy thing, doesn't it?? Teehee. No really, I actually am really excited, and the whole thing amazes me. I'm just a little caught up with the negative physical reactions I'm experiencing right now. There are of course good things happening to my body too, and luckily for my husband, I'm apparently one of those women whose breasts inflate the second pregnancy occurs! My mother says I get that from my father's side of the family. I went for my first prenatal appointment 3 weeks ago, and that was very exciting too because I got to see my baby's heartbeat!! I didn't think it was going to be a very interesting appointment because it was going to be all questions about family history and so forth, so I told Gabe he didn't need take the time off work to come with me, but then I wished he could have come, because seeing that flickering light that was my baby's heartbeat was one of the most exciting things I've seen!! I wish he could have seen it too. Next week I have my next appointment though, and Gabe's coming with me to that one, and hopefully, if we're lucky, we might even get to hear the heartbeat! It's exciting to think about the fact that this tiny baby is actually alive and moving around in me right now, although of course I can't feel a thing besides this nausea! I just keep on telling myself, "Okay, just 2 more weeks, and then you'll feel better.....4 weeks at the most....I can do this!!" I don't know how I'll deal with it if I'm one of the lucky ones that has nausea for longer than that....I'll have a nervous breakdown!!Anyway. This particular week started out extra exciting because on Sunday evening we got a call from Gabe's brother Joseph in DC, who just got married at the end of May to the nicest girl called Jess, and it turned out that she was pregnant too, and her due date was 8 days after mine!! We all talked excitedly for a while on Sunday about how wonderful it was, and how thrilled we all were, but then last night Gabe's mother got a call from Joseph saying that Jess had lost the baby. Gabe told me this morning, and I'm almost as upset and disappointed as I was when it happened to me. And it's worse for them in a lot of ways, because while I was only 6 or 7 weeks when I miscarried, Jess was almost 9 weeks, so I just feel awful for them. It's so sad. And what's horrible for her as well is that I'll be having my baby right around the time that she should have been having hers. But, on the bright side, I'm sure it won't take them long to get pregnant again. They got pregnant in their first month of being married, so they're obviously healthy and able! What a horrid thing to have to go through though.