Thursday, July 31, 2008

Apple juice

So I've been feeling pretty down about the fact that this baby STILL hasn't arrived, and I am just so exhausted and so sick of being pregnant and feeling so disabled, and I'm not sleeping very well at all - what with having to get up to pee and waking up in agony every time I need to move, I'm probably sleeping in spurts of 45 minutes maximum! So I'm exhausted AND sleep-deprived AND hormonal, which is not a pleasant combination for anyone involved! And today is the last day of July, and I was so sure that my little boy would be born in July, but now it's looking like he won't be since he only has 11 hours left, and my contractions have actually slowed down the last couple of days. Joy. So I went to my regular prenatal check-up this morning - you know, the one that I thought I wouldn't have to go to because I would already have had my baby, and my NP was all surprised to see me because she thought I would have had him by now too, and then she checked my cervix and all of that, and absolutely nothing has changed since last week. I am still 2 cm dilated, 70% effaced and his head is at about 0 station. Exactly the same as last week. Depressing. So anyway, then I was feeling even more depressed and hormonal, and on my way home I stopped at Kroger to buy milk and yogurt and a few little things we were out of like that, and then I came home. Gabe asked how the appointment was, and since I just didn't want to talk about it, I just said it was fine but everything was the same. After I had been home for a few minutes Avery asked for some apple juice so I went into the kitchen, put some miralax in one of her cups and disolved it in a little water, opened the fridge to get the apple juice and realised that there was no apple juice in the fridge. I called out to Gabe to ask him if he gave her the last of the apple juice and he said he supposed so, so I stood in the kitchen for a minute holding the apple juice-less cup and wondering what to do, and then I just couldn't take it anymore and I sat down on the chair (which I put in the kitchen a few weeks ago because I couldn't stand up long enough to make any meals anymore) and tried to hold back the tears. But I couldn't, so luckily I remembered that there was a small bottle of apple juice in the bag I packed for Avery for when we go to the hospital, so I get that, pour it in the cup and give it to her. That of course makes me realise that all these hospital bags which I packed have been sitting around for so long that they're all gradually being unpacked again, so I got up and went into the tv room and threw myself facedown on the couch (and by "threw myself" I mean I carefully positioned a couple of cushions on the couch so that I would be able to lie down without squishing my giant stomach, and gradually lowered myself down onto the couch, grunting and groaning). Gabe of course must have been thinking I was crazy by this point, because all he knows is that there's no apple juice and I'm upset, so he pipes up a couple of times with comments like "I didn't know you were going to be going to the store, or I would have told you that we needed apple juice". After a few minutes he's ready to leave for work, and he comes in and I can hear him standing there behind me for a couple of minutes wondering what to do before he says, " you feel bad, or are you just sick of it all?", at which point I can't keep the tears in anymore and start really crying which makes my face stick to the fake leather couch. I tell him that I'm just fed up of feeling bad all the time, and I mention a few of the things that are bothering me, I can't remember now, and so he rubs my back consolingly while Avery laughs at me crying behind him.
Anyway, the reason I'm writing all of this now is that about an hour after Gabe left for work, he showed up at the front door with about a billions gallons of various fruit juices, including replacement apple juice cartons for Avery's bag, and several large bottles of apple juice! I love him! He's so sweet! It's like, he knew that the apple juice wasn't really the reason I was upset, it was just sort of the last tiny little straw, but it was the only thing that he could do something about, so he did! We won't need to buy juice for MONTHS!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Valium Decision

Well, we've finally decided to give valium a try. I joined a few cerebral palsy related groups on facebook and asked for everyone to give me their opinions from experience, and a couple of people got back to me, and so that helped a lot. I find that it's so difficult to find the support and guidance we need, but things like Gabriel's Life and these groups on facebook really help. It's one thing having good doctors and professionals to guide you and give you advice, but I also really think that we, as parents of a child with serious medical conditions, need each other just as much. Doctor's know textbooks and have in-clinic experience with other patients, which is of course important, but other parents have the hands-on experience of living with and caring for their children in a way that only parents can, so we are able to support and advise each other in ways a doctor never could.
Anyway, the purpose of this post was jsut to say that we're going to be trying the valium. We've heard some good things and some bad things, but more parents who got back to me say that it's been a huge help in their child's life than not, so we're going to give it a shot. We can always stop if it starts affecting her in negative ways, but at this point we both agree that it's really important to do whatever we can before her bones and joints set too much - the sooner she walks independantly the better. Lisa, her physical therapist (the one we love and has been working with her since she was 4 months old) told us something the other day that made me take a step back and realise that we really need to be doing even more than we already are. Gabe asked her whether she thought Avery would ever walk completely normally, or whether you would always be able to tell that there was something wrong with her, and Lisa said that she would probably always have a little bit of a noticably crouched posture when she walked. I think I always assumed (at least since we were told that she would eventually be able to walk independently) that once she learned to walk you would never be able to tell that she had cerebral palsy because she would be walking normally, but apparently not. Of course, the fact that she will walk is miracle enough, but I don't want for her to have to live with any kind of struggle that she doesn't have to, so if there's anything we can be doing now to help her walk normally, then I want to do it. We're still waiting for the TheraTogs and her new walker, which I'm getting a little impatient for because she's gone backwards a little bit with some of her posture and stuff. Not much, but of course I feel that we can't afford any loss of progress. So, we're having a little trouble getting hold of her valium prescription, but as soon as we get it we'll start her on it and hopefully will be able to see some significant improvement in muscle tone, etc, pretty quickly.
It may be a little while before I post again, because I am still pregnant even though I felt sure this little boy would have arrived by now!! But he's taking his own sweet time and doesn't seem to mind how much agony he's putting me through!! Oh well.... sometime in the next week or so this will all be over and I will have a brand new little baby boy to show for it and the world will once again be a happy and accessible place!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

A little progress

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, and as it turns out, I'm actually 80% effaced and 1cm dilated, and the baby's head is at about -2 station, so things are progressing a little bit, which is nice. Of course, I wish it was more, but that's okay. I'm 37 weeks now, and I'm ready to have this baby!! Plus, Avery was born at 37 weeks, and she was just over 8lbs, so I'm just a little worried about this baby being really big and making the whole vbac thing really difficult, so I'd be more than happy for him to come TODAY if he wanted to!!! Come on!!!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Lesson learned...

Well, hopefully this week I have learned a lesson about not complaining and feeling sorry for myself or something...I don't know!! Tuesday and Wednesday I was feeling utterly fed up and sick of being in pain all the time, and I was feeling very emotional and hormonal and angry, and all that fun stuff, and wishing this pregnancy would just hurry up and be over! Anyway, so there I was feeling that way, and then on Wednesday I got an ear infection which has only got worse and worse since then. So now I'm feeling even more sorry for myself, but I'm wondering whether I should be learning some sort of lesson from this, like, I should be happy that my baby isn't coming into the world premature or something, even if pregnancy is agony for me. Which is of course true, I would do anything to make sure he is born early, but it just seems unfair that there are women out there who have wonderful enjoyable pregnancies and then there are women like me who have to suffer through almost constant pain/sickness/agony/etc for the entire 9 months! So now I have this ear infection too, and I tell you I am never getting my prescriptions filled at Walmart EVER AGAIN! I went to the doctor yesterday at 3:15pm, and she gave me prescription for ear drops which would be safe during pregnancy, and she had the nurse call it in to Walmart, so I went straight to walmart after my appointment and got the the pharmacy at probably about, and the woman at first couldn't find me in the computer and then told me it would be about 10 more minutes, so I went and got some granola bars and a drink so that Avery and I would be able to wait, and came back and sat on the bench in front of the pharmacy where the woman could see me. I waited there for 45 minutes before I realised that the woman who had "helped" me wasn't there anymore, so I got back in line and gave the new woman my information and she told me she couldn't find my prescription in the computer and maybe the doctor hadn't called it in after all, at which point I got a little angry with her because it was now 5:15pm and if the previous woman had told me that an hour ago then I would have been able to call my doctors office and have them send it in again but now the office was closed. So she told em to sit down again and wait, so I did, and by this point Avery had really had enough of sitting in the cart so I was having to try and keep her entertained, and my body was hurting and my back was hurting and I was having contractions and the whole right side of my head was pounding and painful, and I just wanted to go home and cry and/or yell at someone. Anyway, I finally did get my prescription at about 5:45pm, and then it cost me $50, and so by the time I got out to the car and started driving home I really did just break down and cry, and Avery was in the back going "Okay Mummy?" in that sweet little way she does it, but then once I was actually really crying, she seemed to think I was laughing or something so she started laughing and saying "Funny Mummy! Silly Mummy!" and there I was bawling as I drove and trying to stop crying because I didn't want to crash and also because the crying only made my ear hurt even more. It was not a happy time. So it's time to find somewhere new to get my prescriptions. I had another big burst of crying once Gabe got home and he hugged me and tried to make me feel better, and then he took Avery with him to get Chick-fil-a for dinner and I took some tylenol and tried to eat my food without opening my mouth because it hurt, and then Gabe put Avery to bed, and I lay on the couch and started to feel a little better as the tylenol started to work. Unfortunately, since I'm pregnant tylenol is the only thing I can take, and while it does dull the pain somewhat, it only works for about 3 or 4 hours, but I can only take it once every six hours, so that was rather fun in the middle of the night last night. Good times, good times.... Maybe this will be one of those things that will be funny in hindsight, but I don't really think so...! The doctor said I should be feeling better by monday, and I have to keep on doing the ear drops until next thursday. Monday seems like a very long way away, I'll tell you that. Right now it still seems to just be getting worse, but I'm only on my third dose of ear drops, so I suppose I need to try to be patient. Right now I'm in the middle of that wonderful tylenol window where the last pills I took aren't working anymore, but it's too soon to take anymore. So I'm going to go find something to distract myself. At least Avery's asleep, so I can just sit around feeling sorry for myself and I don't have to worry about keeping her entertained too!
So maybe I haven't really learned a lesson about not feeling sorry for myself after all....

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Recent thoughts

So, I've been thinking a lot recently about the fun and games of labour and delivery. Obviously, I'm getting closer to it now, but it's also been on my mind for a long time because of how long and often I've been getting contractions. They are just getting stronger and more and more frequent, and it just makes me a little nervous since I never had any when I was pregnant with Avery. In fact, last night as I was dealing with the pain I was thinking about when I did go into labour with Avery, and the only reason I knew was because my water broke at 3 o'clock in the morning, and it was only after that that I started noticing contractions. Anyway, the reason I keep on getting a little concerned is because once we did go to the hospital and they confirmed that my water had indeed broken, and they hooked my up to all the machines and monitors and stuff, after a while it got to the point where my contractions were about a minute long and about 5 minutes a part, and the nurse commented that this would be the point where I would normally be arriving at the hospital if my water hadn't broken. Here's the thing though - although I won't try to say that those contractions I was having weren't uncomfortable, they never really hurt even though I was in the early stages of true labour, whereas this time I get painful contractions every day, and my obgyn says it's just braxton hicks, so how will I really know when I'm really in labour?? I don't know...! I just don't want to be thinking it's just braxton hicks when it's actually the real deal, especially if it's still too early for this little boy to arrive. I feel like such a first-timer! But even worse than that, I'm like a first-timer with the added joy of wanting to do the whole VBAC thing.
Anyway, this sort of makes it sound like I'm freaking out about the whole thing, when really I'm not, I just worry about it every now and then when my contractions are particularly persistant! I just don't want to go through the whole NICU experience again, so would like for this baby boy to be born at the right time, so I'll feel much better once I've passed the 36 week mark, which will be in a couple of weeks. Other than that I'm feeling quite ready for him to arrive! We have clothes and diapers and bassinet and crib, and we're pretty much ready for this little boy I think! I can't wait! There are still a couple of things I need to get of course, the biggest of which is a new breast pump, so I should really get on that. I'm looking forward to trying the breast-feeding thing from day one instead of having to pump for a couple of weeks and then having to learn how to breast-feed with a baby who'd been bottle-fed for the first two weeks of her life!! Not that that wasn't fun of course....!
I think I'll go take a nap now before Avery wakes up :)